I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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