After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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