Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
