So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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