K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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