He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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