I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
