Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
