i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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