i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
