sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
