Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
