my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
