I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
