I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
