Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
