My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
