this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
