WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize