the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
