This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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