I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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