hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
