There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
