FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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