I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
