just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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