Your face is a jimmy john
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Bring me that man meat
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
