ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
