my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
