I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just want nice things and good sex
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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