The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
