I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
