During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
