you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i wish my penis had a tongue
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
