Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
