Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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