ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
as a side note pls kill me
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
