i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
