great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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