I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
