I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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