Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Couch. On fire.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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