Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
