can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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