Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
