Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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