Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
its not stalking. its research.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
