mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize