I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
