Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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