I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She's the barista slut.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
