Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
