I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
