Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
