im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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