you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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