Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
