I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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