life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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