Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize