i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
