I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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