some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
