You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
