According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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